Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Beware…..
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”