Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
somewhere, in an alternate universe
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult