Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
You Might Also Like
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.