ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Midwest trash talk
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”