ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When someone trying to leave me
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*exercises sarcastically*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones