me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
can’t catch a break
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
this country is so goddamn polarized
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!