me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You Might Also Like
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
San Francisco has too many rules
tourist season
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.