Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
You Might Also Like
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Our lord and savoury.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.