Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You Might Also Like
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile