Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body