Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My new favorite headline
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.