ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I would move hell over six inches for you
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.