Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Put this video in the Louvre
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.