Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.