ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
🤣🤣🤣
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?