ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Grandmother clock.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.