Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
When someone trying to leave me
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.