ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
For the baby who has everything
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?