Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Thoughts
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what