windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.