[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Brands during Pride
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here