Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.