Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Oh no
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again