Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
a public service announcement
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
God has left this place
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.