Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
#Caturday
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.