Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings đź’€
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong