Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.