Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.