me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know