me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.