Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.