(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point