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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The Backseat Boys
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.