her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too