ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Okey dokey.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Confused owl: What?!