ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.