Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample