ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’m listening
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.