Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.