Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
WHY?!
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it