(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit