The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
*checks Timeline*…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
new shirt idea
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand