I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
is this a warning or an offer?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Bike for sale
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
😂😂😂