Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!