Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Rooting for the overdog
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Room with a view.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: