Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you know, you know
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Breaking news:
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins