Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012