doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute