Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what