Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My neck, my back, my…
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.